Pommy Land Customer Service

On of the things you notice when you leave is the shear bloody minded incompetence of the UK, specifically the bits where you need to get something done by someone on you behalf, online banking, getting an address changed on something of that nature. During the 3 years I've been in Oz my bank has totally failed to Fuck Up, not only is that un-fucking-believable by UK standards but it has a fantastic website with simple interface which can do a whole bunch of stuff pops up Useful information etc etc.

Compare that to the UK bank as I have just done and ... Damn.... Its bloody useless. What's more in the UK I'm with the Coop who I thought were the bloody best bank! Believe me I remember Barclays.

How can it be possible to be so Fucking useless? Seriously? Britain is a fantastic country you just need to shoot your entire services industry. Ahhhhh unfortunately that's the only industry left in the UK. How is it so successful I do not know, they're so bad at it, its easier to build a brick wall from scratch, including digging the clay and firing them yourself and bang your head against than get a perfectly simple thing done.

Whist waiting in the 3rd browser for a crappy UK website to load so I could log in I read the awards its apparently got. Awards! For what? Crashing out with a 403 forbidden, not loading and then taking in excess of seven minutes to load. Then I remembered - its England......

Whilst waiting to change my address (I failed and gave up) I wrote them this:

Subject: Your Dreadful Website.

Not only does it fail to function in a variety of modern browsers – I got in eventually on the 3^rd attempt, Its sloooooowwwwwwer than a Pulse Dial modem in the Galapagos in the 90s*.

Seriously I’ve browsed around found this email address, written all this AND THE LOGIN BOX HAS STILL NOT APPEARED.

I’m in Australia – I could get better  performance out of a Carrier Pigeon to Lancing. Even If had to raise the Pigeon’s from chicks it would be an improvement.

I know you are in the arse end of the universe in Lancing, hell I refuse to go back to Brighton let alone Lancing but surely you can find someone who can fix it? Hell I know a couple of likely lads from Lancing who run a couple of Universities sytems. I can put you in touch if you like.

Please FIRE you web team – I can run a better service than this by randomly strapping usb sticks to migrating water fowl – some packets might actually get through.

Your crap website has timed out. I notice that you were blaging about how good you are on it before it died completely – presumably that’s by British standards which are so low as to be only spotted by ants when the trip over them.

Have a really miserable day.

Oh your in lancing, well, I’m pretty sure you’ll have a miserable day anyway, thanks for spreading it. Lancing’s pretty close to sea level, so maybe global warming will eventually put you out of my misery.

CC. The internet

* I tried this its was bloody awful